Thy Art Is Murder – The Son Of Misery
What was it that made you realise you needed to kick the drugs and face the underlying problems?
I overdosed on cocaine twice in the space of four weeks. I was so lost. But looking back on it now, just before that I felt so good. I fucking loved it. Then I had those two really close calls, when friends around me thought I was dead. That’s when I thought, ‘I’m getting married soon, I want to have kids, I want more in life than being this pretend rockstar that people think is killing it with money.’ I was fucking broke and away from my family for nine months of the year. People in bands are just like everybody else: we’re no different, no cooler or no better than anyone. I’m just as equally good and as equally bad as someone you bump shoulders with when you’re in the supermarket. The only difference is I feel like a fucking God when I’m onstage for an hour every night. Other than that, I’m exactly the same as everyone else. I was masking everything with drugs, but didn’t think about it until those two close calls.
Friends of mine were saying, ‘Dude, you’re doing more cocaine than five bands put together,’ and that was every single day. But I liked it, it made me relaxed and it helped me not deal with all the negative shit in my life. It was my escape from all of that. After the first overdose, I thought, ‘Well, that was scary but I’ll be okay’ and two days later I was back on it again. Then the second overdose happened and I didn’t even know where I was. I didn’t realise I was in America. I thought I was back home in Australia. It took me about a half an hour to realise I was on tour, on a bus with a group of people who thought I was dead.
Was that the wake up call you needed to sort things out?
I did a pros and cons thing on my laptop. I’d always spoke about leaving the band for years. I had a talk to the boys about money and stuff like that, and it didn’t really go my way. Then I flew back to Sydney and thought, ‘Fuck this, I’m done.’ I was nearly killing myself to try to mask the fact that I miss my friends and family, that I make less money than someone sitting at home watching TV taking government benefits home, and I was about to get married, I wanted children and if I kept living the way I was, my mental health was going to go so far south everything else would suffer. I was in danger of destroying my future.
Your priorities changed?
For the most part, guys I know in bands aren’t in my position. Most just want to drink beers, smoke weed, fuck girls in different cities and play shows. If that’s what they want to do, that’s fine, but I want something different and more meaningful. I want to come home to children, I want to come home to a wife that misses me and loves me, I want more. It’s extremely hard to balance that with band life. So I had to make a conscious decision about what was more important: doing something that I love, or being with somebody that I love? The wife, future children, mental and physical health all won and convinced me I had to go and get away from the band. It was never anything to do with the band members themselves, we’ve always been good. It was more just me creating a bad, black hole of anxiety, depression, bipolar, money problems, drug addiction…
Given how grim things had gotten, it must have been a difficult – and risky – decision to go back, especially after you'd turned things around on a personal level.
It was all an accident, to be honest! I hadn’t really spoken to the band for about six or seven months. It wasn’t intentional, they had to keep the machine moving forward and I was working three or four jobs back home to pay for my wedding. The boys came back from a European tour and I went to my best friend’s house and he’s also friends with the band. Sean [Delander, guitar] was there too, and it was just really weird. We’d always been the tightest in the band. We asked each other about how our lives were and how things were going. I went home that night, I couldn’t sleep, so the next day I texted him and said, ‘Look man, it was really hard seeing you last night. It brought up a lot of feelings and I miss you guys and I wish things were different’ and he said the same and eventually said I should just come back. I was worried about what it would look like initially, as if [me] leaving was all a publicity stunt, but he encouraged me to be straight and honest with people; about how I nearly died, how I went into rehab and tell the world everything.
I was reluctant, I didn’t know if the boys wanted me back, my wife was stoked with having me home everyday. So then it was two or three months after that initial conversation, the band were monitoring my progress, where we’d have Skype meetings and chat through how hard my work week was, check on my mental health and ask if I was still clean from drugs. It was a process, which was for the security of the band and that made sense. It took my wife a while to come around to it and realise, but it was her encouragement and saying, ‘You can’t not do this, this is who you are and you have to go back to the band. Go to rehab, sort your fucking life out and get back on a plane and go on tour.’ She was really supportive and of course she was also really upset because it took me a long time, but she knows this is what I’m meant to do with my life.