But what’s most infuriating is that these questions are pretty predictable. Sure, you’ll occasionally get an original one from your cool cousin who’s heard of the Dillinger Escape Plan, but most of the time, metalheads have to navigate the same old song and dance about hair length and Satan, only with the added pressure of not breaking Great Gamgam's heart and ruining dinner for their entire assembled family.
So to make things easier for everyone this year, here the ten questions every American metalhead will be asked this Thanksgiving, and some easy answers to have on hand. Gobble gobble, motherfuckers.
Q: Is there really any difference between black and death metal?
A: Yeah. It's the difference between spirit and anatomy, or a priest and a doctor. Black metal sounds ghostly and evil, and it’s all about the soul. Death metal sounds hard and brutal, and it’s all about the body. Black metal dudes come from Scandinavia, and they wear all black and face paint. Death metal dudes are from Florida, and usually look like they’re from Florida.