Everything about what happened felt violating to me, but it’s difficult when someone you love and respect dismisses your experience to not be filled with self-doubt. You find yourself questioning what even happened: 'Am I overreacting? Was I acting in a way that made it inevitable? Was I inviting it by being amongst the audience?' These are stupid questions, of course, but choosing to challenge my friend, someone with whom I agree on lots of other things, was tough. Telling him that he was wrong to minimise what happened (and that I was not okay with how he tried to play it down) was difficult. I couldn’t do anything to undo the initial assault, but I could do something about my friend, so rather than letting it slide, I decided to challenge his viewpoint and gut-instinct solution to the problem. The conversation (awkward and difficult as it was) led to an understanding between us, and a strengthening of our friendship. It opened the door for the many, many conversations we’ve had since. We learned from each other and it created a situation where we could challenge one another (often), but without the fear of losing our friendship. It’s something I am deeply grateful to have in my life.
Nobody wants to be the person that causes a scene, that kills a mood, or that interrupts the joke to point out the reasons it’s unacceptable. We let things slip and slide away in the moment; we ignore things we find uncomfortable and excuse behaviour and attitudes because we want life to be nice, right? Grimace a bit now, but wait a bit and the problem will be behind us, so why prolong the pain by discussing it or challenging it? But this unwillingness to challenge breeds a culture of tolerance where there should be none. It’s easy to challenge a drunk dickhead, an internet troll or the openly and overtly misogynistic. Challenging a friend is tougher, but it’s also inordinately more effective and valuable. Momentous positive change often has small beginnings. Societal change on a wide scale, just like a music scene, can start in your backyard by having difficult conversations with your family, your friends, your community, your brothers, your sons, your dads, and coming to a collective agreement about where the line is and how we react when it is crossed.
What we are talking about (stay with me here) is like a good mosh-pit. When you jump into the chaos, you have given consent for some jumping, pushing and shoving, and you’d expect a few bruises. But if someone falls down, you grab them and help them up right away, no matter what – it’s a beautiful thing. Similarly if someone is getting out of hand, crossing the line and spoiling it for everyone else, there’s good self-policing in the pit and that person is ejected or shown in no uncertain terms they are being a problem. We look after each other. So let's bring that mosh-pit attitude to all aspects of life: support the fallen, call out the bullshit and challenge the transgression. If we tolerate crossing the line in the smallest way by making excuses for people, it leads to a grey area – something ill-defined and prone to getting worse. It leads to people being damaged. We can stop that by choosing to challenge. Choose to challenge the people you love, choose the difficult conversation, and we can create something as beautiful for ourselves as a good mosh-pit.
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