Bored of the same laboured snow and penguin puns in your Christmas crackers? Here are 21 (somehow worse) gags about rock music and seasonal cheer.
Considering how much of Christmas involves a) A chunky dude in big boots with a huge beard, b) candles, and c) general excess, it’s strange that it isn’t seen as more metal. Bringing a tree into your house is pagan as fuck.
One festive tradition that is really close to being metal – in that it involves a bit of casual pyro – is the Christmas cracker. It just needs the pyro upping a bit (Christmas exploders would be a lot better), the crowns replaced with something a bit more badass and the jokes worked on. Christmas cracker jokes being shit is, of course, important: they can’t be actually funny, it wouldn’t work. With that in mind, if you want to rock up your Christmas dinner a bit, so here are 21 absolute seasonal stinkers to slide into your crackers.
Q: What’s Santa’s favourite thrash band?
A: Sleigher.
Q: Why is Zach De La Rocha a good person to have around in the lead-up to Christmas?
A: He’s excellent at wrapping.
Q: What would you say to Fred Durst when he was putting the wrapping paper away until next year?
A: Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.
Q: What’s wet and cold, has a carrot for a nose, and is not okay (it promises)?
A: My Chemical Snowmance.
Q: What Newcastle psych-metal breakthrough act make a perfect accompaniment to Christmas dinner?
A: Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs In Blankets.
Q: What festive classic involves jolly old St Nick practising percussion by playing along to Slipknot’s Shawn Crahan?
A: Santa Claus Is Drumming To Clown.
Q: In the Nativity story, when the three wise men brought gifts to the newborn Jesus and one of them was a huge Joey Jordison fan, what did they bring?
A: Gold, Frankincense and Myrrhderdolls.
Q: What legendary speed metal pioneers could also plausibly be a way of Santa travelling fast without the need for reindeer?
A: Motörsled.
Q: What do you sing to the Metallica drummer after he decks the halls with boughs of holly?
A: Fa la la la la, la la la Lars.
Q: What kind of spuds might Tobias Forge enjoy with his Christmas dinner?
A: Ghost potatoes.
Q: Which 1990s ska-punk megastars don’t want any green veg with their Christmas dinner?
A: No Sprout.
Q: What beloved Christmas film might be enjoyed by Buffalo, NY, metalcore veterans?
A: Every Time I Die Hard.
Q: What might you say on Christmas Eve to Southampton’s loudest metalcore band?
A: Merry Tomorrow.
Q: What might you sing to Green Day’s drummer as he got very into the season?
A: O Christmas Tré, O Christmas Tré.
Q: What Christmas carol celebrates spending a whole evening listening to Courtney Love?
A: O Hole-y Night.
Q: What do you call a band of nerd-rock legends, transformed from being tight-fisted skinflints to generous kind people by the Christmas visit of three ghosts?
A: Ebenweezer Scrooge.
Q: What’s the difference between a group of Santas and Reel Big Fish?
A: Both have sax, but Reel Big Fish also have a trumpet.
Q: How do Foo Fighters refer to their favourite elements of Christmas?
A: The Best, The Best, The Best, The Best Of Yule.
Q: What Christmas carol, about the city the Nativity story took place, might Dave Mustaine sing?
A: O Little Town Of Megadethlehem.
Q: What eggy liqueur do Liverpool extreme metallers drink at Christmas?
A: Advocaarcass.
Q: What might you sing if you were happy that Marvel Jane, the daughter of Fall Out Boy’s bassist, was dancing to the music of Guns N’ Roses’ drummer from the 1980s?
A: Good, Pete Wentz’s lass rocks out to the beats of Steven.
Woof! That last one is a bit of a struggle, eh? We apologise for all the explaining you're going to have to do after reading these to your nan. Merry Christmas!
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